Moving Forward

For the last week and a bit Frankie and I have had pneumonia. Bleh. I wouldn't recommend it. I'm a wuss when I get really sick these days, because it gives me anxiety. As soon as I start feeling feverey and weak I panic that my lupus is what's being effected and I won't get better. I hate nights when I'm sick, because I'm a ball of stress the whole night long as I toss and turn and cough.

But now we're on the up and up. Frankie's completely better and I'm 90%. We've been told the coughs may linger for weeks, though, and people look at us like lepers when we cough. It's some serious sounding coughing. But not contagious, I promise.

It's the middle of January and I'm finally getting around to thinking about my New Year's Resolutions. Before 30 Resolutions. Feels like some should be monumental, but really they are mostly same old.

1. Find recipes for and learn to cook 5 new meals that are easy for me, and my family likes to eat.
2. Start having family scripture study in the mornings, because evenings are too hit and miss.
3. Get back to eating healthy (I really let things go at the end of the year last year. Darn holiday treats.)
4. Spend more time outdoors.
5. Get my pictures organized and get discs of pictures to friends and family.
6. Take fewer pictures. Yes, I know that doesn't sound right. I still want to capture all of the things I do, but get out of the habit of taking 15 shots of the same thing. Because then I have to spend more time sorting and editing later. More isn't always better, sometimes more is just more.
7. Carve out time daily, so that I'm not just quickly praying and reading my scriptures, but also meditating and doing some yoga and pilates. I want to center some of the meditation on an act of service I can do for someone else that day. This may require waking up before Frankie. I'm still figuring it out.
8. Go on 2 date nights a month with my husband. Only plan one of them.
9. Avoid Facebook. Because it's rotten.
10. Keep up on the Blogs and write in my journal more often.

p.s. I helped Frankie set goals this year, it was encouraged at preschool. His goals are to learn to tie his shoes by himself and to be able to write his name with the lowercase letters perfectly. I'll keep you updated on his progress.

All these things I've done

On the Friday before Easter we had the cousin's Easter party and egg hunt at my Mom's house. First they had lunch and craft time. It turned into Hunter making Frankie have a crazy face time:

And what's a party at Grandma's without also jumping on Laurie's trampoline?

We have everyone bring eggs to contribute, and they are told how many to find so that they each get an equal amount. We ended up needing quite the set of instructions:

Imagine trying to explain all of that to this crew:

Frankie loved the hunting, especially finding eggs with his name on them.

We split the egg hunt up into two groups, so that the older kids could help the younger kids instead of battle them. This picture of my sisters and sister in law taking photos before the older kids could start makes me giggle. These poor children and all the picture torture we put them through. 

Usually the bunny visits our house on Saturday. But Jeremy had a night shift clinical on Friday night, and so we asked the bunny if he would wait until Sunday this year so that Jeremy could be coherent for the festivities. After Jerm got a little rest we headed to our ward party. We're not the best at attending ward parties, but I'm glad we went, since this was the last activity in our ward which was split that evening at Stake Conference. The party was held at one of the member's ranches. There was an egg hunt, animals to see, and much running around. The only pictures I took were of Frankie's first time on a horse. He had a huge smile on his face the whole time:

After the party we went to the desert for our Easter picnic and egg roll. There was much egg rolling. And egg exploding, since I couldn't get plastic wrappers on most of our eggs. (See post below.) Plus it's just fun to explode them.

We brought along our sugar cookies, and Frankie picked one out to eat for dessert. He had a few bites and then he dropped it face down in the sand. He had a melt down that was a little more dramatic the necessary, and it was funny enough that I took some pictures:

He could not be consoled or convinced that he should just pick out a different cookie. Chrissy snapped this lovely picture of me trying to brush the sand off.

 And he ate it. Sand and all. I asked him, "how's that tasting?" and I he just looked at me like this:

Before we left my Dad made the 2 little boys happy by taking them on a little ride.

That night I got to see my Daddy sing 3 solos at the Messiah sing along in the Tabernacle. It was beautiful, one of the best times I've ever heard him do it. And I have fun pretending I know how to sing the choruses. It is a neat tradition that I hope our community continues to do. Handel intended the Messiah to be performed at Easter, after all.

On Sunday morning a very excited (6:00 am excited!) Frankie came downstairs to see what the Easter Bunny had left him:

Next year we are going to request no Peeps. They look cute, but no one wants to eat them. And they shouldn't. So they just rot on the counter. We make plans to expand them in the microwave but it never happens, and eventually they go in the garbage.

Frankie collecting the bunny poop trail of jelly beans. Knightley being Knightley:

We had a delicious Easter Sunday brunch with Jeremy's family. Karen informed us that Frankie had chastised her the night before for not coming to the ward party. Funny kid.

......

This year as we went through our festivities, I thought a lot about last year. Last Easter was the turning point, it was the day I knew that I wasn't going to "just get better."  I've thought a lot about the resurrection, and what it means to me on so many different levels. It means a body that doesn't need medications to be healthy. It means being with loved ones forever and understanding all that's happened in this life. It's all due to Jesus Christ. He lived, died, and rose again. He did all of it for us - for me- and because of that, I can always have hope. I can always be happy.

Frankie in his Easter best, ready for stake conference.

Love is spoken here

Frankie on the Blue Couch

A 3-part Retrospective

Part I:

The first time Jeremy held my hand, that was pretty much it.

We were sitting on the blue couch next to each other, talking to our friend Randy (who I don't think had any idea.) Jeremy started out tickling my arm. I'm a sucker for this, it's how my family used to help me relax and go to sleep when I was little. I knew he would hold my hand. I knew it would be instantly complicated. But for the first time I decided I didn't care, and I let him.

A few weeks later, we had figured out the complications. 

And we said I love you for the first time to each other on the big blue couch. October 16th, 2002.

8 years ago.

(Best. Bed hair. Ever.)

Part II:

6 months ago I lay on the big blue couch. We watched conference. I watched Jeremy take care of Frankie. I clung to my hospital mug (courtesy Frankie's birth) and drank a lot of water. I searched for some comfort in the talks. 

I braved Easter Dinner. Later that night Daddy came over, he and Jerm gave me a Priesthood blessing. I laid on the couch, not well enough to sit up. The blessing gave me an inkling. I wasn't told I would get better right away, I was told it was time to go listen to some doctors. And so go we did, the very next day.

We returned a week later, and the blue couch continued to be my home for a few weeks. Many a sleepless nights, frustrating days, and encouraging hours on the blue couch. I had a certain way I would set myself up in the corner. It was an accomplishment worth telling everyone when I started getting up by myself to go the bathroom and such after only a few days home.

I would come down at night when I couldn't sleep, lay on the couch, and turn on the BYU channel. I remember sometimes it helped, and sometimes it made me discouraged. I would ask myself "how am I going to be a good Mother if I can't even get up off this couch?"

Looking at it now, it wasn't that long at all. A blip on the radar, really.

But when you're in the middle, sometimes it feels endless.

(Re-enacting the big race while watching Cars)



Part III:

Today there was a moment, a short one, mind you, where we all snuggled on the blue couch together and watched conference. Jeremy was supposed to have a clinical today, but they sent him home.  So we were blessed with that moment.

I printed out coloring pages for me and Frankie. I colored on and off all day. Frankie colored for a few minutes.

This conference was beautiful, and for me, it made everything seem so simple.

My favorite line, and I'm afraid I didn't take proper notes so I'm not sure who the speaker was, but he said something like (speaking of Christ) "If He were next to you: would you think it, would you say it, would you do it?"

Would I?

I like to hope that if Jesus Christ visited our home, I could feel comfortable enough to invite him to sit on the big blue couch.

I could tell him that I kneeled next to it as a child to say family prayer, and that now my own child kneels there. That even though it's worn, tearing in places, the recliner is broken, it stains if you look at it wrong and it consumes toys and remotes with a voracious appetite... plus it's very, well  - blue - we love it. We love all of our modest furniture and our little home, but most of all we love the feeling that is here when we do the simple, right things.

That feeling, that spirit, that faith - is what keeps us going. And it's why I'm happy, always happy, if I just remember. I'm grateful for the blue couch, and the million other little things in my life, that help me remember.

Tuning In

Prayers don't always get answered right away.

In fact, they usually don't.

I've learned a lot of patience, and put a lot of trust in God's will, about this subject.

Last night I felt well enough that I wanted to be the one to read Frankie his stories and tuck him in. I was excited about it. But Frankie not so much. He became literally angry when the idea was suggested. He only wanted Jeremy. He was still angry with me after we said family prayer and didn't even want to give me a hug goodnight.

I told Jeremy not to make a big deal out of it.

Frankie probably IS angry with me. For months our time together has been riddled with phrases like "Mommy can't do that right now." And the last few weeks I've been basically nonexistent. Mostly he has dealt with it really well, but it's got to be frustrating for him to have his life so upturned.

So as Jeremy put him to bed I sat on the couch and prayed that I would be able to start having Mothering experiences again.

This morning I was wide awake at 5:00 am. I still haven't really recovered from the hospital, when that was around the time of the bright and early blood draw. I tried to sleep, but when the garbage truck woke up Frankie at 6:30 I told Jeremy I felt well enough get up with him.

I helped him go potty. I went down the stairs by myself. I got him his drink of milk and bowl of cereal. Then we snuggled on the couch and watched his shows. Later, I picked out his clothes for the day.

A miracle. An instant answer.

This morning, I got to be a Mother.

While the Merry Bells Keep Ringing

I guess I took a bit of a blog hiatus this month. It was an odd December. I didn’t feel the holly jolly elf until like 3 days before Christmas. And let me tell you, it’s hard to get all your elfing done in 3 days.

Even then, this Christmas felt different for me. It was more reflective. I thought a lot about the word “believe.” We have it on many of our Christmas Decorations, and I found myself making a mental list of all the things I believe in, Christmasey and otherwise.

I believe:
-That a baby was born in a stable. He is the Son of God. Angels sang. Shepherds came. It’s not just a sweet story
-In the spirit of Santa Clause
-In the blessings that come from giving and sharing
-That saying my prayers, reading my scriptures, and going to church brings me great peace and happiness
-That families are forever
-In God’s timing, He knows more than I do
-That life is made up of moments, not events (I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again)
-That my body is a miracle
-That music can heal the soul, again and again

I’ve also been thinking a lot about simplicity. My overriding New Years resolution is to simplify. I want less stuff in my house. Less nonsense floating around in my brain. I want simple movement and exercise to be a part of my everyday schedule. Easy homemade meals eaten around the table. I want to love others in a non-complicated way. I want projects and art to be fun and renewing instead of complicated.

Doesn’t that sound nice?

Instead of journaling the pictures, and since I’m enjoying lists today, I’m going to pre-write a bit of what our holiday season entailed, and then I will let the photos speak for themselves.

-Frankie saw Santa at the Jubilee of Trees. He asked him for “the Fire Car.” That would be Snot Rod from the movie Cars. Santa was a little confused about this, so I had to explain. And Santa’s elves had a hard time tracking down this particular model, but were able to pull through. He also intermittently asked for a train.

-A Mathis family tradition, that my Mom picked up while my parents were stationed with the Military in Germany, is advent calendar treats. The way Mom did it, and that I am now, is that the child wakes up every morning and there’s a treat or a small toy in a special place. (Every day in December until Christmas.) Frankie loved it this year. He would remind us every night “go put something in my box!” He got some pretty cool stuff, including an Ikea train set I forgot to give him for his birthday, a new car, a puzzle, books, a Little People Nativity I had scored an awesome deal on, and of course, treats.

-One night we drove around and checked out the Christmas lights. Frankie is a big fan of the blow-up lawn decorations. Me, not so much.

-We made gingerbread houses for FHE. It was sort of a disaster because I hadn’t pre-prepared. But good fun, anyway.

-Jeremy’s Grandma Caroline came for her annual visit, and this year she got to fly right into the St. George airport, so we went and met here there. Frankie held a sign welcoming his “Mama Hat.” (Grandma Pat.)

-Frankie wore a festive apron, and helped me bake Christmas cookies for friends and neighbors. If there’s one thing I should have cut out of the 3 days of elf cheer, it was the sugar cookies. I’ve learned my lesson, next year something more simple if I don’t get to it earlier.

-On Christmas Eve morning Frankie’s advent treat was a present to open (a new game.) By the time I made it downstairs he was started on his 3rd (unauthorized) present. Oi.

-We spent Christmas Eve with Jeremy’s family. We had a lovely dinner and gifts. Frankie definitely took the prize for the most presents. Our family was given a quarter of a cow from Jeremy’s parents. It will live in frozen glory at their house except for when we go get some to cook up. A very cool gift, as always.

-I summarized the Nativity story and we looked at a beautiful book when I laid Frankie down for bed. Just as I was wondering if any of it was getting through to him, he said “that’s so sad that the baby grows up and dies.” It brought tears to my eyes.

-On Christmas morning we awoke to the sound of Frankie playing with his new Geo-trax downstairs. (At our house, Santa sets everything up, ready to play with) We had discussed with him repeatedly not to go down without waking us up, but I guess we should have built a barricade.

-We had a lovely low-key Christmas day, and then we took off for the cabin that evening.

-Frankie finally gave playing in the snow a fair chance and he loved it. Sleighing was fun, but I think snowmobiling was his favorite.

-The cabin was lovely. It is great to spend time with family. I read an entire book, Jeremy played a new computer game, and we all ate a lot.

I have a final piece of news. On Christmas Eve, Jeremy said to me jokingly "I got a bonus yesterday, and I was thinking about blowing it all and getting you a laptop." I said "If you're really ever going to blow a bonus I'd rather have a camera."

"Let's do it." He says.

"We shouldn't..." I say.

But we did.

My new Canon Rebel came today. I had a few minutes to play with it, and I can't wait to learn more. Picture taken at my house, in fairly low light, and no flash. (I was messing with the aperture priority settings.) I can't tell you how happy it makes me that it's mostly in focus and not grainy.

Name them one by one

Giving Thanks
(Forgive me, yesterday was crazy. And so I cheat.)

Starting in 2001, I began a Thankful list in the opening pages of my journal. At first I was adding to it often, but lately it's become my Thanksgiving tradition. It's fun to read through, because it's easy to tell what phase of my life is happening based on the happy parts of that phase.

Today I added items 241-265.

Before I added to my thankful list, I read my scriptures. I read in the Book of Mormon about a man named Amaleki, son of Abinadom. His writings in the book are short, and we don't learn much about him. But he bears his testimony and in it he says this "I shall exhort...all men to come unto God, the Holy One of Israel, and believe in...all things that are good; for there is nothing which is good save it comes from the Lord."



And I thought - that's it. That's the bottom line. I'm grateful for so many things, but in the end I am most grateful to know that it is the Lord who blesses me with them.

Here are a few items from my thankful list to finish off my 15 days.
14. Chocolate chip cookies
26. Packing for a trip
32. Clean sheets
41. Parents who are still in love
47. Checking the caller I.D. and seeing people called for me
63. The smell of oil paints
71. A sincere kiss
78. The clear night sky when it's cold
98. Missionary letters
103. Nieces and Nephews
113. Trampolines
147. The Messiah
149. Jeremy. A million times Jeremy
168. Knowing families are forever
179. Naps with a newborn
188. Creating, being creative
205. Frankies crazy, "evil genius" laugh
228. Laughing until I cry
246. Jeremy's smile lines around his eyes
255. Playing video games with Jerm
260. Hope