I will heal my own heart up

Today we shall call "Bare your soul Saturday." I wrote the essay to follow for Nie Nie's "Motherhood Is" essay contest. I never entered it - I think because it was too long and I didn't have the time to go through and figure out how to make it more concise. For some reason today I felt like revisiting and posting it.

First, some pictures via the camera timer of Frankie and I playing in the rain on my Mom's front porch last Sunday. Lovely summer rainstorms.

 I haven't had many moments of direct spiritual guidance in my life. I get quiet pushes, peaceful feelings, but they usually come slow and only with much effort. As a newlywed when I started drooling over the babies at church, the revelation came differently. Within a week of us praying to know if we should start a family I had a dream where Jeremy and I visited a baby boy, our baby boy. I woke up so awash in love, and knew I would do anything to be a Mother. That morning as I got ready I was astonished that the usual stiffness and fatigue that accompanied my vaguely diagnosed autoimmune disease was gone. We had our answer. Once I was off of the necessary medications I was pregnant right away.

Pregnancy was magical for me. Frankie arrived tiny, healthy, and beautiful. My Mother in Law presented us with a breast pump at the hospital, saying she figured it was an investment. I smiled, and affirmed her suspicions. Yes, we wanted a large family. I always thought four sounded nice, maybe six.

3 and half years later I sat in the rocking chair in our spare room, staring at the stars out the window, no new baby in my arms. The last few months had seen my health deteriorate to the point that it hurt to do almost everything, even sleep sometimes. I had been in denial of how sick I was, mostly because I wanted to be pregnant so badly. But I couldn't pick up Frankie, and I could barely hold our friend's baby, so that night with sobs and prayers I decided we would stop the mild fertility treatments we had been pursuing.

A few weeks later we visited the E.R. and I spent a week in the hospital, finally learning I had Lupus. I will never forget the moment that the doctor advised us against having more biological children. For as sick as I was, the thought of never holding another baby in my arms, of Frankie never having a sibling to love and grow old with, tore me in two. In all the suffering and trials of my illness and my life, nothing has been more painful then that moment.

My six years as a Mother have been what I expected and not what I expected all at once. The joy of pajama mornings, sunny afternoons, and bedtime snuggles with Frankie are more then I could have imagined. When Frankie wishes to have “a friend who lived here and didn't have to go home,” or asks why we don't have a baby at our house, it breaks my heart. Sometimes my confidence suffers, as I see happy families with many children, and I wonder if it could have been me had I only been a better Mother.

But the quiet spiritual pushes and peaceful moments still come. They help me understand, and then remind me again and again, why it is okay that my family is small. I think often of the the Biblical Sarah, who wasn't blessed with her valiant son until she was in her old age. I am ever grateful that the most direct guidance I have ever received from the Lord allowed me to bear a child, during what will probably be the only window of my life that it was possible.

Amidst blessings of health and prosperity I try to enjoy every moment I have with my wonderful Frankie, and our times together as a little family unit. I try to appreciate the ease of my life as I see others busy with many little ones. I plan what I will do with my future as Frankie enters school. Even as we pray for the miracle of adoption, I know that I am no less of a Mother if I am a Mother to only one. And I am so thankful every day for that privilege.

The Frankie Fish too

One day the cousins walked to the swimming pool, like ducks in a row.

Frankie has always loved swimming, but usually with the help of another human, or flotation devices.

Mayzie decided to take things into her own hands.

And in the midst of the monkey business:

Success!

Frankie really responded to the way Mayzie taught him. He learned more in an hour then he has in 3 years of swim lessons. Later I asked him why he was always so resistant to me teaching him. He said "You're a good mommy, Mommy, but not a very good teacher." Probably true, and made me laugh.

I am so proud.

The next day we tried a different pool for round 2.

Skills intact.

P.S. I told Frankie that if he keeps improving this quickly, he'll be swimming in my favorite Olympic sport. (He thought that was cool.) Our  U.S. swim team simply rocked this year. Boy, I'm going to miss Michael Phelps. And I will always remember that Frankie started swimming the week that I had so much fun cheering at the TV.

Aloha

Last Wednesday my Daddy got a phone call, and on Friday my parents left for Hawaii. They may be gone for a few weeks, or 6 months. We're still waiting for the final verdict. If it works out I'm so glad that my Daddy will have the opportunity to be a concrete man again for a while. But I will miss them like crazy. My Mom is my best friend, and their home will always be a place of comfort for me. I'm not sure how I will survive without being able to go over sometimes on evenings that Jeremy is working. 

But hooray for cell phones. And the internet. I may keep up on my blog better so that my Mom can see pictures to make her smile.

For a good start, here are photos from the thrown-together luau party we had for them on Thursday night. Aren't those boys great? Absolutely great.

Love you Mom and Dad. Can't wait to say Aloha for hello, instead of goodbye.

(Frankie's not crying because they were leaving, he had a little owie. But I might, sometimes.)

Missing You

Today I am home alone because my favorite buddy is camping with the Grandparents. I do enjoy alone time, but I'm missing my kid like crazy. Instead of being productive with all the many things I should be doing, I found myself looking at pictures, and especially getting stuck in the time right around Frankie's second birthday.

Now I'm not only missing Frankie, I'm missing the blond hair, chubby cheeks and limbs, and the gapped teeth of almost 4 years ago.

I cannot believe it has been that long. I wish I could jump into these pictures and sweep him up into a big hug. These years have gone by too quickly. I recently heard a musical number of "Sunrise, Sunset" and I cried through the whole thing. I think the older woman sitting next to me thought I was too young to be that effected by it - but my one baby is growing up, and sometimes I want to push pause. Or rewind.

I can't wait to see him tomorrow.

And in an effort of pretending to be productive, here are a few tidbits I've been meaning to blog about.


In May, after much process, we decided to send Frankie to a charter school next year for Kindergarten. They focus on arts and technology, but still teach the core curriculum as well. This was not a decision we took lightly, because I really did enjoy my public school education, and Jerm kind of did. On a more practical note we will have to drive him to and from - and it's a fair distance. The deciding factor was when we went and took the tour of the school. I had a moment that was a really powerful witness to me that it was the right thing, and Jeremy felt good about it too. The kids all seemed so happy and more innocent somehow. Later I took Frankie to his testing. He tested with the aide, while the 2 teachers talked to the parents. I was really impressed with how informative they were. I had previously been to the public school testing, (before Frankie had made the lottery for the charter school), and although I really liked the teacher we met with - it was just a different feeling. Not as much information was given or expected. We're not set in stone that he stay there, but for now we're giving it a shot.

So we're gearing up for Kindergarten. And I'm trying to find uniforms that I can handle. (Little boy polos are very hit and miss.)

The next update is that we've decided to renew our adoption home study. Which means we're legally able to adopt for another year. It also means another (smaller this time) fee and redoing much of the paperwork and such. I really didn't know if we would renew... I feel so different about it lately. We would still love to have it happen, but I guess the initial optimism is not there anymore. We're just not sure what's in store for our family. I know if there is a little one who is meant to be here they will be. Basically, we made the decision to keep waiting and hoping.

Not Goodbye

For the last 5 and a half weeks Sophie has been visiting our house on weekdays. I didn't know what to expect with Frankie, I knew it would be very different from our normal. What he did was completely fall in love with her. 

As for me, I had forgotten how time consuming a baby was. We had our moments of bliss and our moments of frustration. The first week was the hardest since she wouldn't take a bottle until Friday. Convincing her to take it goes up on the list of my life's accomplishments. I loved having her here, too. She is such an interactive and intelligent baby. Some of the things she does, like the way she likes to be snuggled to get her to sleep, remind me of my baby Frankie. And you can't go wrong with that.

Today as Alison was leaving with Sophie for the last time, Frankie cried. He wanted to have something to give them, so he helped me think of things he loves about Sophie and we made the picture above and got it printed. We will still see Sophie of course, but I will always treasure the time she got to spend at our house, giving Frankie a little taste of what it might be like to be a big brother.

Man, now I'm crying.

Kick It

Frankie delved into his first organized sport this spring with soccer in Ivins. They played on Tuesdays from the 20th of March until the 1st of May, little half hour long 3 vs 3 matches. He really enjoyed it. We weren't sure he would, but he did. He was generally pretty good at hustling for the ball and giving it a good effort. He did have his moments of frolicking about, but he is after all my kid - and he's five.

On the day of his first game we went on a hunt for some cleats. First we tried the family stash, but there weren't any small enough. Next the consignment type of sporting goods store. Go figure, they didn't have any kid sizes left. (you know, day of...) So I took a deep breath, not sure how much I was going to be dropping on cleats for 7 weeks of a sport that Frankie may or may not like, and we went to a real store. I made my way to the cheapest pairs, and we asked the worker to bring us some for him to try on.

After a few rounds he just brought us everything they had in stock in Frankie's size. Frankie saw those neon blue/green cleats and got stars in his eyes. They were 10 bucks more, and I thought they would clash with his uniform, so I tried really hard to talk him out of them. Finally I told him he could have them if he paid the difference out of his own money. He's pretty careful with his little wad these days, so I was shocked when he agreed. It still makes me laugh, but he really does love the things. We had to text a picture to Jeremy at work and he showed everyone in the E.R. the awesome cleats his son had picked out.

Here's some pictures of him (and other kids whose parents may or may not sue me for putting pictures of their children on my blog) in action:

 Please note the tongue. One of these days I'm worried he's going to bite it off.

Watching 5 year olds play soccer is endlessly entertaining. Sometimes they break away with the ball, and they're so excited they keep kicking it into the next field. Sometimes they just can't resist leaning over and picking it up with their hands. Our team was really good at missing the goal by inches. Frankie had quite a few of these himself, and one goal that went in. He said it was because Grandma Pat was there that game to give him good luck.

Frankie's game face:

The cute team huddle and cheer at the end of the match. I should mention that the park where they played is absolutely beautiful.

Frankie's fan club:

Frankie and Jarek had the same uniforms in their different divisions. The team name Frankie's team chose was the Green Turtles. Their coach (who was great) said that when they started winning they should change it to the Ninja Turtles. Then with a few games left they were suddenly the Green Dragons. It was hard to keep up.

Look! I'm a soccer Mom. This is "someone take a picture with me in it to prove I was at every game cheering for my kid." Frankie is faring much better in organized sports then I ever did. Seeing as Kindergarten Soccer was the only one I ever tried, and I hated it.

Everyone got a medal on the last day. Look how proud he is. The older Frankie gets the more I see that his personality is that of optimism and great joy in so many things. He loves life and he loves living it. I'm so glad.

He was sad on the last week that soccer was over. He said he wished it could go on forever. I kind of do, too. At this point the kids are just having fun. Parents aren't nuts yet and most of the kids aren't overly competitive. And like I said, endlessly hilarious.

With you I will make it

I just read through my Frankie post from last year, and a lot of it is still the same, he's just more adept/grown up. He's still an amazing helper, an articulate speaker, a toter of toys whenever we go somewhere, a lover of all holidays and festivities, and a big fan of snuggles from Mommy at bedtime.

5 has not been hard like 4 was, 5 has been joyful. I know this is my last year like this with Frankie. When I only send him to school twice a week for  few hours, and he's usually mine otherwise. I've wanted to freeze time this year. His sweet hugs and kisses, the way his eyelashes fan down his cheeks when he's asleep, the total trust and confidence he has in us (except when I'm driving, since he always assumes I'm lost), and his innocence. Especially his innocence.       


More about Frankie at 5.5 (+) 


-Frankie can write his name and all the letters, count to 30, do basic addition and subtraction, and he's beginning to want to sound out words phonetically. He's done it really well a few times, it seems to happen when he's not trying too hard and it was his idea, not mine. Funny how that works. I know one day it will just click for him and he'll be a pro. That's how he's been his whole life - he succeeds at his own pace. He can read a few sight words when he sees them. 


-We are watching Sophie while Alison goes back to work to finish out the school year. I was worried he'd feel a little deprived because of the attention I need to give her, but instead he was sad on Saturday morning that she wasn't coming. He can make Sophie smile almost every time he tries.

-He can play outside with the neighborhood kids, and at my Mom's with cousins, independently. He's getting better at realizing he can't always choose what they play. Yesterday they had a great neighborhood water fight. I'm really grateful we have such good neighbors with good kids for him to play with. And of course for his cousins.

-He still loves insects and other slimy creatures, dinosaurs, and sea animals.  I think insects are winning out these days. I will admit bugs are interesting. I will also admit I like them more as a picture then in person. I have learned a lot with Frankie, mostly thanks to library books. Due to his fascination with the animal kingdom Frankie has quite the words in his vocabulary: Metamorphosis. Carnivore, herbivore, omnivore. Nocturnal. Exoskeleton. Camouflage. Arachnid. Proboscis. Extinct. Amphibian. Habitat. Parasite. Paleontologist. Etc. We currently have a jar full of caterpillars undergoing metamorphosis in my house. Good times. 

(Behold, the mole cricket, one of Frankie's favorites. This particular library book has been brought home multiple times.) 
















-He loves people. Especially his cousins, other kids, and his grandparents. But he is equally comfortable talking to almost any adult. He will tell whoever will listen all about his latest toy, or the bug or animal we last saw or collected, or our cats. Frankie is such a cool kid. It blows my mind. And people love him. Old people, young people, short people, tall people...


-Frankie has enjoyed every moment of preschool. He counts down the days to a preschool day. I love watching him run in when I drop him off. Sometimes skipping in. He has learned a lot and he loves all of his friends at school. He is excited for Kindergarten next year, more on that in another post. 


-If Frankie gets to choose what we watch on Netflix, it is usually a documentary on wildlife.

(A caterpillar made from the Hullabaloo pads and crayons)

-His naps are more fleeting these days. We still sneak one in a few times a week, if he got to bed late the night before or if I can tell he's tired. When he does have one he still knocks out for a few hours, but he doesn't want to take them anymore, and I know that that's fine. (I'm not complaining, trust me, everyone always tells me how lucky I am that he napped for this long.) 

-Two new notable sound effects: Frankie is close to mastering the Wookie sound that Jeremy can make, and he can recreate the frog croak of the frogs that live by us. Once we were down by the little creek trying to find some frogs, and after he made his sound they all started calling back.

-Frankie is creative. Lately he enjoys drawing on a blank sheet of paper, and coloring whatever comes to him. Or sometimes he'll ask us to tell him an animal to draw. One day he was using his blocks to make animals, and they were crazy good.  He still likes to paint and play doh. But I'd say the crayons and markers are his favorite creating tools.

(The little bubbles that come off of these animals indicate the animal's habitat.)

-He has discovered video games. Sadness. He doesn't get to spend too much time playing them, but he would if he could. Our Wii has been broken since January, and I can't seem to make myself find room in the budget to replace it, so he often mourns that he can't play Mario Kart at home anymore. (He plays with Grandma and Grandpa Anderson, though, and he is getting quite good.) He also enjoys Club Penguin and the Disney Junior site, and various console games with his cousins. He is constantly begging me to find him a fun bug website, and thus far I haven't succeeded. Anyone have any ideas? 

-Current Favorites: 

Song: Can we say the entire Phineas and Ferb soundtrack that he got for his birthday? Sure, why not. Lately we battle over what music plays in the car. I need at least a few days of grown up music sometimes. 

Movie: Cars II 

Color: Red. Mostly because it's my favorite color, and when we play games he always picks the red token just to be a tease. Maybe he really likes it. It would do me proud. 

Food: Still spaghetti and pizza. Pepperoni pizza to be exact. 

Board Game: *Uno and his Cars Sorry Sliders game 

Holiday: Probably still Halloween. But Christmas is gaining.

*A great story that needs to be recorded involving Uno. Frankie was very obsessed with it for a few weeks.  One day I came downstairs after showering and such and he had a game all laid out and ready to play. He had given himself all the special cards, and given me a whole lot of just normal ones. I explained that the way he had set up the game wasn't fair, but that I would still play if he wanted me to. So we did. By the time he was through all his cards I had 2/3 of the deck in my hands, but I called "Uno" on him so that he didn't win. 


Soon we had to shuffle the discard pile, and I was drawing some special cards. Our Uno game has a wild card that gives you the option to switch hands with another player. Well, I played that one and told him I wanted to switch. Soon Frankie was hysterically crying, and me hysterically laughing, which made him even more mad. Probably not good parenting, but oh - the look on his face when he realized his setup had backfired on him. It was priceless. After a while I stopped laughing, tried to explain to him, and then walked away and told him I would love to finish the game when he was ready. We did, and hopefully he learned... something.

 -This Year's Frankie Picture Collage:

p.s. I have never had a harder time formatting a post. The line breaks and alignment are not making me happy. Bah.