Turning 30.
(My traditional party with Frankie. And flowers from Jerm.)
At the end of December I reached the big 3-0. I had a feeling at the beginning of 2012 that it was going to be a stellar year. Instead the year ended up being pretty normal - with a few financial setbacks, not a whisper of an adoption possibility, and further spiritual confirmation that there aren't any biological children in the near future and probably not ever. I was feeling disappointed and having one of my identity crisis's through the last few months of the year. I thought I had a plan for when Frankie starts going to school all day next year, but it suddenly wasn't feeling right anymore. I felt so stagnant. I felt like where I thought I would be hadn't come to pass and it was so discouraging.
Then on the eve of my birthday, I had time alone because Jeremy was working. I said my prayers, and glanced over my thankful list that I add to every Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving 2012 is a meager list compared to past years. As I often do I felt frustrated with myself for not being more grateful for all that I have, instead of dwelling on what I don't.
So I made myself think. What DID I hope to be by the time I was 30? What did my 20 year old self hope for in 10 years? And I realized it was simple. I hoped I would be a wife, a mother, and an artist.
Then I realized. Guess what I am?
Is everything as I thought it would be? Of course not. I didn't think my art would often be designing buildings and doing renderings - but I get an insane amount of satisfaction from it. Did I think I would have more children by now? Yes. But who cares. There's still time. Plus I have the greatest kid in the universe. And I have a wonderful husband who works so hard and shows me such compassion. No complaints there. Not to mention I am so healthy and everything else on my thankful list.
I am crazy blessed and life is beautiful. As always. Sometimes I just need to step back an realize it for the millionth time.
30, and beyond, will be good. I have hope and faith for that.
p.s. My 30th birthday present to myself was doing a terrible job cutting my bangs. Worse then I have in 12+ years. I guess it was my subconscious effort to regress to my youth. You can see them in the first picture.
