(*The second half of this post was written August 2013)
Meet Simon.
He is a few weeks old. And this is his story so far.
(Most of the newborn & sibling pics to follow were taken by yours truly. He was around a week old.)
Before any word of Simon, the months of 2013 had felt peaceful, happy. We were finally able to REALLY put things into the hands of the Lord. A big part of that for me was deciding that there was a good chance Frankie was going to be my only child. We had talked about the waiting game of adoption not being for us for much longer. We had started making plans of what life could be like in a few years with just Frankie, me working more while he was at school, saving up for a real house, and lots of traveling. It was wonderful to be excited about the future even if the future didn't include more babies. We were still fasting and praying hard for an adoption to work out, but when we said "if it be thy will," we meant it.
There have been many times in my life that the Lord needs me to go through the process of being content with what I have before he blesses me with more.
.....
We met our birth Mom Brenna on a normal but busy Thursday the 28th of March. Alison had called to say that her friend Brandi's daughter who was expecting a baby wanted to meet us. That day. Brenna was due with a baby boy in just 2 weeks. Alison had given Brandi one of our pass along cards last fall, and told me about it, but I didn't figure anything would come of it.
Now months later, Brandi's daughter wanted to meet us. Her due date was in 2 weeks. Alison said really soon - today if possible. Jeremy was golfing with some guys from work (it's been a new outlet for him since last summer). It was the first time he was doing 18 holes. So of course I couldn't get a hold of him to verify a time. I finally just told Alison 4:00 and hoped he would be home by then. Eventually he did call me back and he ended up having to leave before they were completely finished.
We found out a little more about the birth Mom Brenna from Alison, but I really don't think we knew her name until we actually met. She had just decided she was placing the day before, up until that point she had planned on parenting her baby boy. She was especially interested in a good adoptive Father. We were a bit worried that we were "doing this wrong." It seemed crazy to be meeting her without any contact with our social worker Stacy and so cold turkey. But obviously there was no time for emails and easing into things like other stories we had heard. In the end I think it was nice to go to the meeting with zero expectations.
Christina brought Frankie home from school, Alison came over with Sophie, and we all headed to Vernon Worthen. We played with Frankie and Sophie for a while before we saw Brandi, we found out later they were watching us from the car. And that Brenna was especially amused by Jeremy tripping on his old slippery flip flops and the rest of us laughing at him a bit.
Brandi took us up to the table where we met Brenna for the first time, she was eating some food. I'll never forget how she looked at that moment and how much I loved her right away. At first we all sat around the table talking, then eventually it was just Jeremy, Brenna and I. We just got to know each other - it was amazing how easy and not awkward it was. We had a lot in common with her: she loves the arts, her pets, and her friends. She even loves ska music and the card game Nerts. Those two blew my mind, I didn't know that a 17 year olds even knew what ska music was anymore. I loved hearing her talk about her goals, and how she was back on track with school and hoping to go to hair school. Later she and I discussed pregnancy and how she was planning a natural delivery.
We ended up being at the park for over 2 hours. We really liked Brenna and Brandi, and talked about how glad were were to have met them no matter what happened.
Friday:
We were at my Mom's for decorating eggs and egg hunting, when Brenna texted. Here is where I should add that for a few weeks there I was more diligent about keeping my phone with me then ever before or since. Jerm was a fan. Brenna's text asked if we wanted to bring Frankie to an Easter Egg hunt the next day. Of course we said yes.
Saturday:
We went to the Easter egg hunt at the subdivision where Brenna's grandparents live. It was so much fun. They had eggs hidden with numbers on them, the numbered eggs gave you prizes. Brenna and her brother Bryce tried to help Frankie find egg number 31, which was tied to a fancy bug catching net. Bryce found 13, and Frankie was able to switch with the little boy who had 31. He was a happy kid. At the end of the hunt, Frankie was in a picture with Brenna and the rest of her cousins. I remember that Brenna was absolutely glowing that day. We found out later it was because she was at peace. And it showed.
Later that day Jeremy and I were talking about all that had happened so far. Jeremy said "I feel like something is going to come of this." And I said that I did too, but in the next moment we both shook our heads and said we shouldn't even be thinking that.
Sunday:
Easter Sunday came bright and beautiful. It was the three year anniversary of the Easter that we had finally accepted that I was really sick - the day after that Easter 3 years ago is when I'd gone to the hospital. What a different place to be in, it had my mind and heart reeling. Alison had asked me the night before if they could come to Sacrament Meeting with us because their church time didn't work for some family stuff. I didn't think twice about it.
Nick, Alison and Sophie sat by us during Sacrament. At some point Nick told Jeremy that after the meeting they had some baby stuff to give us. Jeremy leaned over to tell me, and my first thought was they were being a bit too optimistic, and my second was that I couldn't because I was supposed to give my testimony in Sunday School. Nick said I needed to be there too, but could come back. I thought that was a little odd. But then when the meeting was over and they told Frankie that he couldn't go to Primary that we knew something was up. As we climbed in our car we wondered what this was all about.
As we pulled up to our house, this is what we saw:
The emotions of that moment were amazing. My heart almost leaped out of my body. We sat in the car crying for a while (with Frankie in the back saying "What's wrong? What's going on?!") Finally we told Frankie, got out and walked towards Nick and Alison who were already on the porch. Nick was using his phone to film the whole thing.
We just took it in, and we wanted to let people know right away so we called and texted family and friends. We ended up with a gathering at our house. Which I should add was a bit of a mess, I was a little horrified that Brenna and Brandi had seen it through the sliding glass door. They were mostly amused by our cats peering at them through the windows.
In all the eggs were little papers, things about each of us, about Brenna, and about baby boy. It was beyond words to be told that she had chosen us to be the family of her precious baby boy. It was icing on top that she had done it in such a cute and creative way.
After Brenna was out of church I talked to her on the phone for a while. I tried to express our gratitude and humility, but I don't know if any of it came out right. We talked about how it felt like we'd all known each other for a long time. She asked if we'd like to come to her doctor's appointment the next day, which we of course did. I also told her that we had a family vacation to California planned with Jeremy's side of the family that we were supposed to leave for that coming Friday. She said she thought we should still go.
Monday:
Brenna texted and asked if we could talk before the appointment. We met at the temple and talked about a few things. We found out more about the birth father, each other, and Brenna told us she really didn't want us to go to California because she wanted us around for her labor and delivery. It was good to get those things out in the open.
The doctor's appointment went well, everything was good and normal with the baby, although it didn't look like he would be coming terribly soon. We got to hear his sweet heartbeat, and spend more time with Brenna and Brandi. Brenna had been measuring the same for a few weeks so they scheduled a precautionary ultrasound for the next day. It was decided that we would pick up Brenna from school and take her to it. Brandi had to go because she had an appointment, so we took Brenna to dinner at Cafe Rio and then dropped her off at her Grandparent's house.
That night I head via Alison via Brandi that Brenna had been calling the baby Alexander James. We had talked about names a bit, we are usually of the philosophy that you meet the kid first, but this was a different situation. We really only kicked around one name before deciding on it.
Tuesday:
We told Brenna before the ultrasound that we had picked out a name. I had written it on a piece of paper and put it in an egg - I said there was one person that didn't get their name in an egg yet - and she saw that we were naming him Simon Alexander. I think it was probably a little bittersweet for her.
Before the Ultrasound (which went well) we had to go in and meet with a social worker at LDS Family to go over paperwork and such. It wasn't our usual worker, Stacy, I believe she wasn't in that day. It was so odd to be going to there with a purpose. I had mostly decided that wasn't going to happen. The meeting was a little rough - legal stuff and worst case scenarios. He also said that birth mom's who decide to place so late in the pregnancy often change their minds.
That evening Brandi and her ward with some help from Alison and Aubree had thrown together a baby/birth mom shower. I had so much anxiety about this event - and couldn't quite wrap my head around it. I had a hard time with my bridal and baby showers in normal circumstances - I don't like everyone looking at me. And this was so much worse. We kind of joked at the ultrasound that they could just put the 3 of us in a cage. It was good for our families and friends to meet each other. But I was so worried about Brenna's feelings. Everyone who had been invited by me was notified to not bring baby gifts,or if they did we'd keep them out of sight. It didn't seem kind to open and flaunt them in front of Brenna. There were also many gifts for Brenna, pampering stuff, gift certificates - but still.
I was feeling like the baby gifts wouldn't be too much of an issue until we walked in and there was tons of baby stuff laid out everywhere. The ward had been gathering things for Brenna, although she was unaware of this before. She told them she wanted us to have it, instead. I don't remember much of that night except that Alison saved the day and got everyone playing some silly games so that it wasn't so awkward. I was in such a funky emotional state that I didn't even take any pictures, but I really wish I would have now.
Stacy came, she is actually always the birth mom counselor, and so Brenna's, as well. She told us that the combined shower is a very common thing, and that Brenna probably would have felt bad if we hadn't had one. I can't remember if that made me want to laugh or cry. But it did make me feel a bit better about the whole thing. And I was grateful for all the fun stuff we got, including a used pack and play and stroller, (nice to have back-ups for my Mom's house, as I had already ordered a travel system and we still had our pack and play) clothes, blankets, and TONS of diapers. I laid awake that night worried I hadn't been gracious enough to everyone. I think Jeremy had kept it together much better then me.
Wednesday:
The next day we were at Frankie's soccer game, where I jogged across the field looking for a missing boy and thought I was going to die. And I was in pretty decent shape at the time. My insides were in such knots that it made me cramp everywhere. As the game was starting Brenna texted and asked if we could come to her Birth Mom Group to be there while she told everyone about her story and decision. We decided to go. What I remember most about that evening is at one point when some of the other birth mom's who had already placed were talking about their experiences and the doubts they sometimes had in the process - Brenna looked at me right in the eyes and said "I am SURE."
I should add here that Jeremy had most of these days off. Just by circumstance of how his schedule had worked out, and he did some switching. It was just another of the tender mercies of these few weeks.
Thursday (1 week since we met Brenna):
My Mom threw my Dad a 70th birthday party. It was good fun, and a good break.
I was so tired by this point, because I couldn't turn my mind off at night. Sometimes I would get stuck on the track of being so excited to snuggle a baby, see a toddler learn, and do all of it again. Some nights I would think "what am I doing? Life is so easy right now. And I like sleep!" I spent time worrying about bonding with Simon, about doing everything right with the open adoption, about if it would even happen, about finances, you name it.
Friday:
First thing in the morning we sent Frankie with Karen and DeVere - to go to California for 9 days with everyone else, and without us. It was incredibly hard. I would do it again, of course. Simon was worth it. But I had never been away from Frankie for so long, and it was difficult to know we would be missing the trip we had been planning for months. I kept it together until we were walking back to the house. Jeremy put his arms around me and let me cry for a minute.
Fortunately we were distracted quickly because we had so much to do to get our house ready for a baby. We were trying to find Frankie a new dresser since he was still using the one that doubles as a changing table. I found a used loft bed with storage instead, the previous owner lived just a few blocks from us. Jeremy, my Dad, and my nephews got it hauled over and set up before lunch time.
That night I went with Brenna and Brandi for pedicures, dinner, and some shopping. Brenna chose a few outfits and such for Simon, and we all just visited and had a good time. It was low stress and much needed.
Saturday:
I got to spend some time with my Mom and sisters, even Melisa who was in town for my Dad's party. We went to JoAnn's and picked out fabrics for Simon's nursery and for my Mom to make him a quilt. I loved these kind of preparations when I was pregnant with Frankie, I'm glad I got to do a little of it for Simon.
Sunday:
Listened to conference. Worked on the house. Took deep breaths.
Monday:
Have a hard skyping session with Frankie. He was tired from all the fun so he got emotional about missing us, and it broke my heart.
Tuesday:
I decide in my late night mind wanderings that after Brenna's appointment today, if the Doctor says she's still not closer to delivery, we are packing up and going to Cali. I start laundry, wake up Jeremy because we were also going to go to the temple that morning, and head to the office to do a few things.
While at the office I got a call from Brenna. She told me in an almost nonchalant way that her water had broken. She said they would be heading in to get checked, and then she would let us know what the plan was from there.
I got home and told Jeremy he didn't need his tie.
At this point I called Stacy because for some reason we had yet to get gifts together to give Brenna at placement. I wasn't sure what we should get, exactly, so I needed advice. She had much good advice to give.
Jeremy and I went out shopping per her suggestions, and it was harder then we thought it would be to find some of the items - especially necklaces for Brenna and Brandi, and a stuffed animal that was decent. At some point we heard from Brenna that they had been told to go to labor and delivery soon.
We tried Target in our stuffed animal hunt, and as we were walking down the first front aisle I thought I saw some familiar faces. As we got closer we discovered it was indeed Brenna and Brandi. We all had a good laugh, and all felt a bit guilty. They said to us "we thought you were all ready?" And then they promised us they really were going to the hospital. Although we told them it was fine, I'm an advocate for staying away from there for as long as possible.
We tried to eat lunch and eventually they did call us so we headed to the hospital.
When we got there Brenna was very zen, hanging out on an exercise ball and breathing through her contractions. The natural delivery rooms at the hospital are super nice, and I was also impressed with her nurses, who were exclusively for her during their shifts.
She labored with amazing calmness through the afternoon and into the evening. We just stayed around, visited, and tried to be useful if we could. As her contractions got harder Brandi and the nurse were taking turns helping her with pressure points on her knees.
At about 8:00, Brenna was exhausted and decided she wanted to get an epidural. She asked us if it was okay with us, which was sweet and unnecessary, we told her to please do so. The anesthesiologist was in a surgery so she had to wait quite a while. We went back in to see her after the epidural had started to work, but she was still feeling quite a bit. We put a movie on for her, and after not too long we were kicked out again for the nurses to take care of some things.
After a few minutes the nurse came out and pointing to me said "you can come back in, she's ready to push."
This was shocking because she had been a ways off at the last check.
I was so impressed with Brenna's strength and courage during her labor. I was grateful to be there in the delivery room. I stayed by Brenna's head and helped her to sit up during her pushes. She only had to push through 3 contractions and Simon Alexander had arrived. His head was round and his cheeks rosy.
Brenna had requested that Brandi cut the cord, and then after she had some time with baby, I would give him his first bath. I was grateful for that sweet time with him right away. He weighed in at 6 lbs 14 oz, 20 inches long.
When Jeremy came in and started talking, Simon turned his head towards him and was so intent. He knew his Daddy right away.
We went to get Brenna some Wendys (Jeremy loved that she wanted "anything with bacon"), then helped them get moved upstairs and settled before saying goodnight and heading home.
As a side note, Simon was born on my Dad's (actual) 70th birthday.
Wednesday:
We weren't sure what to expect this day, but felt like we should give them some space. As it got closer to lunch time and we still hadn't heard anything, we started to worry a bit. We wouldn't blame Brenna if she changed her mind. But obviously we hoped that she hadn't. It was hard not knowing for sure.
We called Stacy who got back to us later and said they would be in touch with us and have us come visit later in the day.
We used our nervous energy to finish cleaning and organizing the house. I went in for a meeting with some new clients at the office which was a good distraction.
At about dinnertime we heard from Brandi that Brenna would love to have us come down and bring her some Cafe Rio. I was running errands with my Mom, so I asked if she could come, which they said was fine. Jeremy grabbed the food for Brenna and we met him there. It was good to see them, and Simon. It was funny how during this process when we were away from Brenna and her family we would feel anxious, but when we were all together it was always so simple and easy. I was able to get some pictures that I got developed to use for gifts the next day. We tried not to stay too long, and then headed home for our last night with no baby.
Thursday: (2 Weeks since we first met Brenna)
Stacy had told us to come to the hospital at 10:00 in the morning to sign papers and do placement. Brenna had originally wanted to walk to the temple grounds to do the actual placement, but it was a chilly day. Stacy was hoping we could stay at the hospital for it, using the family visiting room they have on the Mom and Baby floor.
We signed papers with another social worker, Danielle, who was very comforting and helpful. We finished our papers and waited to hear something. I remember watching the news on the TV in the visiting room and hearing about stuff I was totally unaware of. I'd been a bit out of it for a few weeks.
Danielle went to check on Stacy, Brenna, and family to see how their signing was going.
She came back and said they still hadn't quite gotten to it, so she asked the nurses if we could go to a room to watch the discharge movies that we had to watch before they would let us leave with the baby.
They put us in a room that didn't have a bed, and only one chair. Jeremy let me sit and he paced. We felt like we were in a jail cell as we got friendly reminders on purple crying, car seats, and breastfeeding. Wait, we didn't need that one - but they were on loop and we had no choice. Stacy came in and let us know that Brenna had signed her papers. It was a relief for sure, but we were still having a difficult time figuring out placement. Understandably, Brenna and Brandi weren't looking forward to it. To be honest, we weren't in a lot of ways either.
Stacy was the messenger between us and we eventually figured out that we would go back to our house for placement. Brenna would ride with Simon in our car, and then she would get to see where he would be sleeping and such. The next morning we would meet for brunch so they knew they would get to see him soon. Stacy told us to go get some lunch and come back in an hour. We left without seeing the one movie I was actually interested in: bottle feeding. I did some reading later.
Stacy had not made arrangements for her children this late into the day, so she was trying to figure things out. At one point she wondered if we would have to do placement without her there. We begged her to be there, I think I even said we had family and friends who would watch her kids if needed. She was able to make it work to come to our house later.
In all our getting ready, we actually didn't have a place for Simon to sleep set up yet. So we skipped lunch and ran home to set up the pack and play, (after 6.5 years getting the bassinet portion put together was not easy, and of course we don't have the directions anymore), and get a few last things put away and such. When we got back to the hospital we texted to see if they were ready for us to come up. Due to the doctor stopping by, Brenna hadn't been able to shower yet, so they needed longer.
This time we did go get some lunch.
When we got back we went to Brenna's room and knocked on the door. I remember that as soon as we walked in Brenna and Brandi both burst into tears. Brandi asked if we were excited, and we said yes - but it was bittersweet, because our hearts ached for them. And that was truth.
Jeremy pushed Brenna and Simon downstairs in the wheelchair. We got Simon loaded into the car seat (which had arrived the day before) and went home. At our house we visited, and exchanged gifts.
Stacy had us each talk about what we were feeling and about each other. Eventually everyone knew it was time. I think the pictures do it more justice then I can with words:
Simon was hungry and thus crying when Brenna handed him to me and as they were leaving, which didn't help matters. I was so glad Stacy was there to walk Brenna and Brandi back to their car. Thinking about this day and those hours still makes me cry. To be given such a gift - at such a cost to others. There is no way to express how it felt.
We had a lot of family and friends stop by to meet Simon that day. We also got well wishes from our family far away in California and Northern Utah. Simon did really well that night, almost got us cocky but we learned quickly to cut that out. He was such a noisy sleeper for those first few weeks. On that first night I woke up at one point and couldn't hear him, and my first irrational thought was "he's gone!"
Friday:
I spent my first morning with Simon snuggling him, taking it all in, and snapping some photos. Jeremy slept in. We were able to tag team the bottle feeding at night those first few weeks because Jeremy took paternity leave. I have a lot of good things to say about bottle feeding, yes indeed.
We met Brenna and Brandi at Village Inn for brunch and I was surprised at how well Brenna was doing. She is one amazingly strong girl.
Saturday:
Frankie got home that afternoon! We couldn't wait to see him, and what a situation. "How was Disneyland? Meet your little brother!" Frankie loved Simon right away as we knew he would. He thought his new bed was pretty cool, too. Simon also got to meet his other grandparents who were very glad to see him.
....
From here I will break away from the day to day and just summarize the next few weeks after that. Simon was a good, mellow baby from the start. He can get upset when he wants to, but we figured out ways to soothe him and they usually worked. He liked being swaddled for a little while, but then he wanted freedom to move around and have his hands by his face. He was often very alert and trying to figure things out right from the get-go. He has also always been very strong, and could hold his head up from day one.
Jeremy felt bonded to Simon right away, but I will confess it took me some time. It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was that he didn't feel like MY son. And I often felt guilty and worried about Brenna. It was hard to separate all those feelings and have him feel like my boy. It came slowly, with prayers and through service. I decided there is a lot of divine wisdom in babies arriving so needy and helpless. As I changed him, fed him, spent hours in the night with him, snuggled him, and rocked him he was no longer a stranger. And that was a wonderful feeling.
Life with a newborn is exhausting and heavenly all at once. We couldn't be more grateful to have this new baby in our lives - and to be a family of four. The journey to get here was worth it, and I tell Simon that all the time.
Later that day Jeremy and I were talking about all that had happened so far. Jeremy said "I feel like something is going to come of this." And I said that I did too, but in the next moment we both shook our heads and said we shouldn't even be thinking that.
Sunday:
Easter Sunday came bright and beautiful. It was the three year anniversary of the Easter that we had finally accepted that I was really sick - the day after that Easter 3 years ago is when I'd gone to the hospital. What a different place to be in, it had my mind and heart reeling. Alison had asked me the night before if they could come to Sacrament Meeting with us because their church time didn't work for some family stuff. I didn't think twice about it.
Nick, Alison and Sophie sat by us during Sacrament. At some point Nick told Jeremy that after the meeting they had some baby stuff to give us. Jeremy leaned over to tell me, and my first thought was they were being a bit too optimistic, and my second was that I couldn't because I was supposed to give my testimony in Sunday School. Nick said I needed to be there too, but could come back. I thought that was a little odd. But then when the meeting was over and they told Frankie that he couldn't go to Primary that we knew something was up. As we climbed in our car we wondered what this was all about.
As we pulled up to our house, this is what we saw:
The emotions of that moment were amazing. My heart almost leaped out of my body. We sat in the car crying for a while (with Frankie in the back saying "What's wrong? What's going on?!") Finally we told Frankie, got out and walked towards Nick and Alison who were already on the porch. Nick was using his phone to film the whole thing.
We just took it in, and we wanted to let people know right away so we called and texted family and friends. We ended up with a gathering at our house. Which I should add was a bit of a mess, I was a little horrified that Brenna and Brandi had seen it through the sliding glass door. They were mostly amused by our cats peering at them through the windows.
In all the eggs were little papers, things about each of us, about Brenna, and about baby boy. It was beyond words to be told that she had chosen us to be the family of her precious baby boy. It was icing on top that she had done it in such a cute and creative way.
After Brenna was out of church I talked to her on the phone for a while. I tried to express our gratitude and humility, but I don't know if any of it came out right. We talked about how it felt like we'd all known each other for a long time. She asked if we'd like to come to her doctor's appointment the next day, which we of course did. I also told her that we had a family vacation to California planned with Jeremy's side of the family that we were supposed to leave for that coming Friday. She said she thought we should still go.
Monday:
Brenna texted and asked if we could talk before the appointment. We met at the temple and talked about a few things. We found out more about the birth father, each other, and Brenna told us she really didn't want us to go to California because she wanted us around for her labor and delivery. It was good to get those things out in the open.
The doctor's appointment went well, everything was good and normal with the baby, although it didn't look like he would be coming terribly soon. We got to hear his sweet heartbeat, and spend more time with Brenna and Brandi. Brenna had been measuring the same for a few weeks so they scheduled a precautionary ultrasound for the next day. It was decided that we would pick up Brenna from school and take her to it. Brandi had to go because she had an appointment, so we took Brenna to dinner at Cafe Rio and then dropped her off at her Grandparent's house.
That night I head via Alison via Brandi that Brenna had been calling the baby Alexander James. We had talked about names a bit, we are usually of the philosophy that you meet the kid first, but this was a different situation. We really only kicked around one name before deciding on it.
(These 2 pics were taken at the hospital by Bella Baby.)
We told Brenna before the ultrasound that we had picked out a name. I had written it on a piece of paper and put it in an egg - I said there was one person that didn't get their name in an egg yet - and she saw that we were naming him Simon Alexander. I think it was probably a little bittersweet for her.
Before the Ultrasound (which went well) we had to go in and meet with a social worker at LDS Family to go over paperwork and such. It wasn't our usual worker, Stacy, I believe she wasn't in that day. It was so odd to be going to there with a purpose. I had mostly decided that wasn't going to happen. The meeting was a little rough - legal stuff and worst case scenarios. He also said that birth mom's who decide to place so late in the pregnancy often change their minds.
That evening Brandi and her ward with some help from Alison and Aubree had thrown together a baby/birth mom shower. I had so much anxiety about this event - and couldn't quite wrap my head around it. I had a hard time with my bridal and baby showers in normal circumstances - I don't like everyone looking at me. And this was so much worse. We kind of joked at the ultrasound that they could just put the 3 of us in a cage. It was good for our families and friends to meet each other. But I was so worried about Brenna's feelings. Everyone who had been invited by me was notified to not bring baby gifts,or if they did we'd keep them out of sight. It didn't seem kind to open and flaunt them in front of Brenna. There were also many gifts for Brenna, pampering stuff, gift certificates - but still.
I was feeling like the baby gifts wouldn't be too much of an issue until we walked in and there was tons of baby stuff laid out everywhere. The ward had been gathering things for Brenna, although she was unaware of this before. She told them she wanted us to have it, instead. I don't remember much of that night except that Alison saved the day and got everyone playing some silly games so that it wasn't so awkward. I was in such a funky emotional state that I didn't even take any pictures, but I really wish I would have now.
Stacy came, she is actually always the birth mom counselor, and so Brenna's, as well. She told us that the combined shower is a very common thing, and that Brenna probably would have felt bad if we hadn't had one. I can't remember if that made me want to laugh or cry. But it did make me feel a bit better about the whole thing. And I was grateful for all the fun stuff we got, including a used pack and play and stroller, (nice to have back-ups for my Mom's house, as I had already ordered a travel system and we still had our pack and play) clothes, blankets, and TONS of diapers. I laid awake that night worried I hadn't been gracious enough to everyone. I think Jeremy had kept it together much better then me.
The next day we were at Frankie's soccer game, where I jogged across the field looking for a missing boy and thought I was going to die. And I was in pretty decent shape at the time. My insides were in such knots that it made me cramp everywhere. As the game was starting Brenna texted and asked if we could come to her Birth Mom Group to be there while she told everyone about her story and decision. We decided to go. What I remember most about that evening is at one point when some of the other birth mom's who had already placed were talking about their experiences and the doubts they sometimes had in the process - Brenna looked at me right in the eyes and said "I am SURE."
I should add here that Jeremy had most of these days off. Just by circumstance of how his schedule had worked out, and he did some switching. It was just another of the tender mercies of these few weeks.
Thursday (1 week since we met Brenna):
My Mom threw my Dad a 70th birthday party. It was good fun, and a good break.
I was so tired by this point, because I couldn't turn my mind off at night. Sometimes I would get stuck on the track of being so excited to snuggle a baby, see a toddler learn, and do all of it again. Some nights I would think "what am I doing? Life is so easy right now. And I like sleep!" I spent time worrying about bonding with Simon, about doing everything right with the open adoption, about if it would even happen, about finances, you name it.
Friday:
First thing in the morning we sent Frankie with Karen and DeVere - to go to California for 9 days with everyone else, and without us. It was incredibly hard. I would do it again, of course. Simon was worth it. But I had never been away from Frankie for so long, and it was difficult to know we would be missing the trip we had been planning for months. I kept it together until we were walking back to the house. Jeremy put his arms around me and let me cry for a minute.
Fortunately we were distracted quickly because we had so much to do to get our house ready for a baby. We were trying to find Frankie a new dresser since he was still using the one that doubles as a changing table. I found a used loft bed with storage instead, the previous owner lived just a few blocks from us. Jeremy, my Dad, and my nephews got it hauled over and set up before lunch time.
That night I went with Brenna and Brandi for pedicures, dinner, and some shopping. Brenna chose a few outfits and such for Simon, and we all just visited and had a good time. It was low stress and much needed.
Saturday:
I got to spend some time with my Mom and sisters, even Melisa who was in town for my Dad's party. We went to JoAnn's and picked out fabrics for Simon's nursery and for my Mom to make him a quilt. I loved these kind of preparations when I was pregnant with Frankie, I'm glad I got to do a little of it for Simon.
Sunday:
Listened to conference. Worked on the house. Took deep breaths.
Monday:
Have a hard skyping session with Frankie. He was tired from all the fun so he got emotional about missing us, and it broke my heart.
Tuesday:
I decide in my late night mind wanderings that after Brenna's appointment today, if the Doctor says she's still not closer to delivery, we are packing up and going to Cali. I start laundry, wake up Jeremy because we were also going to go to the temple that morning, and head to the office to do a few things.
While at the office I got a call from Brenna. She told me in an almost nonchalant way that her water had broken. She said they would be heading in to get checked, and then she would let us know what the plan was from there.
I got home and told Jeremy he didn't need his tie.
At this point I called Stacy because for some reason we had yet to get gifts together to give Brenna at placement. I wasn't sure what we should get, exactly, so I needed advice. She had much good advice to give.
Jeremy and I went out shopping per her suggestions, and it was harder then we thought it would be to find some of the items - especially necklaces for Brenna and Brandi, and a stuffed animal that was decent. At some point we heard from Brenna that they had been told to go to labor and delivery soon.
We tried Target in our stuffed animal hunt, and as we were walking down the first front aisle I thought I saw some familiar faces. As we got closer we discovered it was indeed Brenna and Brandi. We all had a good laugh, and all felt a bit guilty. They said to us "we thought you were all ready?" And then they promised us they really were going to the hospital. Although we told them it was fine, I'm an advocate for staying away from there for as long as possible.
We tried to eat lunch and eventually they did call us so we headed to the hospital.
When we got there Brenna was very zen, hanging out on an exercise ball and breathing through her contractions. The natural delivery rooms at the hospital are super nice, and I was also impressed with her nurses, who were exclusively for her during their shifts.
She labored with amazing calmness through the afternoon and into the evening. We just stayed around, visited, and tried to be useful if we could. As her contractions got harder Brandi and the nurse were taking turns helping her with pressure points on her knees.
At about 8:00, Brenna was exhausted and decided she wanted to get an epidural. She asked us if it was okay with us, which was sweet and unnecessary, we told her to please do so. The anesthesiologist was in a surgery so she had to wait quite a while. We went back in to see her after the epidural had started to work, but she was still feeling quite a bit. We put a movie on for her, and after not too long we were kicked out again for the nurses to take care of some things.
After a few minutes the nurse came out and pointing to me said "you can come back in, she's ready to push."
This was shocking because she had been a ways off at the last check.
I was so impressed with Brenna's strength and courage during her labor. I was grateful to be there in the delivery room. I stayed by Brenna's head and helped her to sit up during her pushes. She only had to push through 3 contractions and Simon Alexander had arrived. His head was round and his cheeks rosy.
When Jeremy came in and started talking, Simon turned his head towards him and was so intent. He knew his Daddy right away.
We went to get Brenna some Wendys (Jeremy loved that she wanted "anything with bacon"), then helped them get moved upstairs and settled before saying goodnight and heading home.
As a side note, Simon was born on my Dad's (actual) 70th birthday.
Wednesday:
We weren't sure what to expect this day, but felt like we should give them some space. As it got closer to lunch time and we still hadn't heard anything, we started to worry a bit. We wouldn't blame Brenna if she changed her mind. But obviously we hoped that she hadn't. It was hard not knowing for sure.
We called Stacy who got back to us later and said they would be in touch with us and have us come visit later in the day.
We used our nervous energy to finish cleaning and organizing the house. I went in for a meeting with some new clients at the office which was a good distraction.
At about dinnertime we heard from Brandi that Brenna would love to have us come down and bring her some Cafe Rio. I was running errands with my Mom, so I asked if she could come, which they said was fine. Jeremy grabbed the food for Brenna and we met him there. It was good to see them, and Simon. It was funny how during this process when we were away from Brenna and her family we would feel anxious, but when we were all together it was always so simple and easy. I was able to get some pictures that I got developed to use for gifts the next day. We tried not to stay too long, and then headed home for our last night with no baby.
Thursday: (2 Weeks since we first met Brenna)
Stacy had told us to come to the hospital at 10:00 in the morning to sign papers and do placement. Brenna had originally wanted to walk to the temple grounds to do the actual placement, but it was a chilly day. Stacy was hoping we could stay at the hospital for it, using the family visiting room they have on the Mom and Baby floor.
We signed papers with another social worker, Danielle, who was very comforting and helpful. We finished our papers and waited to hear something. I remember watching the news on the TV in the visiting room and hearing about stuff I was totally unaware of. I'd been a bit out of it for a few weeks.
Danielle went to check on Stacy, Brenna, and family to see how their signing was going.
She came back and said they still hadn't quite gotten to it, so she asked the nurses if we could go to a room to watch the discharge movies that we had to watch before they would let us leave with the baby.
They put us in a room that didn't have a bed, and only one chair. Jeremy let me sit and he paced. We felt like we were in a jail cell as we got friendly reminders on purple crying, car seats, and breastfeeding. Wait, we didn't need that one - but they were on loop and we had no choice. Stacy came in and let us know that Brenna had signed her papers. It was a relief for sure, but we were still having a difficult time figuring out placement. Understandably, Brenna and Brandi weren't looking forward to it. To be honest, we weren't in a lot of ways either.
Stacy was the messenger between us and we eventually figured out that we would go back to our house for placement. Brenna would ride with Simon in our car, and then she would get to see where he would be sleeping and such. The next morning we would meet for brunch so they knew they would get to see him soon. Stacy told us to go get some lunch and come back in an hour. We left without seeing the one movie I was actually interested in: bottle feeding. I did some reading later.
Stacy had not made arrangements for her children this late into the day, so she was trying to figure things out. At one point she wondered if we would have to do placement without her there. We begged her to be there, I think I even said we had family and friends who would watch her kids if needed. She was able to make it work to come to our house later.
In all our getting ready, we actually didn't have a place for Simon to sleep set up yet. So we skipped lunch and ran home to set up the pack and play, (after 6.5 years getting the bassinet portion put together was not easy, and of course we don't have the directions anymore), and get a few last things put away and such. When we got back to the hospital we texted to see if they were ready for us to come up. Due to the doctor stopping by, Brenna hadn't been able to shower yet, so they needed longer.
This time we did go get some lunch.
When we got back we went to Brenna's room and knocked on the door. I remember that as soon as we walked in Brenna and Brandi both burst into tears. Brandi asked if we were excited, and we said yes - but it was bittersweet, because our hearts ached for them. And that was truth.
Jeremy pushed Brenna and Simon downstairs in the wheelchair. We got Simon loaded into the car seat (which had arrived the day before) and went home. At our house we visited, and exchanged gifts.
(Stacy is on the left.)
Stacy had us each talk about what we were feeling and about each other. Eventually everyone knew it was time. I think the pictures do it more justice then I can with words:
Simon was hungry and thus crying when Brenna handed him to me and as they were leaving, which didn't help matters. I was so glad Stacy was there to walk Brenna and Brandi back to their car. Thinking about this day and those hours still makes me cry. To be given such a gift - at such a cost to others. There is no way to express how it felt.
We had a lot of family and friends stop by to meet Simon that day. We also got well wishes from our family far away in California and Northern Utah. Simon did really well that night, almost got us cocky but we learned quickly to cut that out. He was such a noisy sleeper for those first few weeks. On that first night I woke up at one point and couldn't hear him, and my first irrational thought was "he's gone!"
Friday:
I spent my first morning with Simon snuggling him, taking it all in, and snapping some photos. Jeremy slept in. We were able to tag team the bottle feeding at night those first few weeks because Jeremy took paternity leave. I have a lot of good things to say about bottle feeding, yes indeed.
I adore this tiny little outfit, he wore it a lot for a few weeks and then it was already too small.
We met Brenna and Brandi at Village Inn for brunch and I was surprised at how well Brenna was doing. She is one amazingly strong girl.
Saturday:
Frankie got home that afternoon! We couldn't wait to see him, and what a situation. "How was Disneyland? Meet your little brother!" Frankie loved Simon right away as we knew he would. He thought his new bed was pretty cool, too. Simon also got to meet his other grandparents who were very glad to see him.
From here I will break away from the day to day and just summarize the next few weeks after that. Simon was a good, mellow baby from the start. He can get upset when he wants to, but we figured out ways to soothe him and they usually worked. He liked being swaddled for a little while, but then he wanted freedom to move around and have his hands by his face. He was often very alert and trying to figure things out right from the get-go. He has also always been very strong, and could hold his head up from day one.
Jeremy felt bonded to Simon right away, but I will confess it took me some time. It wasn't that I didn't love him, it was that he didn't feel like MY son. And I often felt guilty and worried about Brenna. It was hard to separate all those feelings and have him feel like my boy. It came slowly, with prayers and through service. I decided there is a lot of divine wisdom in babies arriving so needy and helpless. As I changed him, fed him, spent hours in the night with him, snuggled him, and rocked him he was no longer a stranger. And that was a wonderful feeling.
Life with a newborn is exhausting and heavenly all at once. We couldn't be more grateful to have this new baby in our lives - and to be a family of four. The journey to get here was worth it, and I tell Simon that all the time.
This is Jeremy's favorite expression, and he swears Simon makes it for him on purpose.
