My favorite part of the day - on normal days like this where I hang out with Frankie all morning and work while he's napping (Should be working right now...) is laying by him for his nap. We read some stories and then snuggle a bit. Sometimes I fall asleep too. He loves for me to stay by him. I love that he wants me to. And lets be honest, I love that he still naps as well. I realize how lucky I am on this front.
Today I couldn't sleep, but I just sat staring at him. He's gorgeous. He makes my heart melt. He's going to be FOUR. I think of my nieces and nephews at four, and I realize that any amount of baby I'm still imagining in him is fully imagined. He's a little boy, a little man. He has a good heart and a sense of humor. He has attitude every now and then. But he is a great kid, through and through.
Last night at Target I was perusing the clearance racks in the baby section for any 4T size clothes to have on hand for the growing boy. It hit me that soon I will have no reason at all to be in the baby section, because I will be looking for size 4's and 5's.
And it's weird how little moments like that are what get me.
What's been most upsetting to me, if you haven't noticed, in the midst of all this sickness junk is the further delay, or possibility of no, future children for us. (We are still considering adoption, just trying to figure out if my illness and a few other things are going to be issues...) It's hard for me to wrap my mind around and make amends with. I look into 5 years away with no more babies and I can't see it. I start having some sort of panicked identity crisis. What will I do while Frankie is in school? Commit myself to really painting and becoming a selling artist? Go back to school myself? See if they want me at the office?
The thing is I sincerely love being a mother. For me it is usually natural and joyful, even when it's hard I find satisfaction in it. (I do realize Frankie has been a pretty easy kid, maybe I wouldn't say that so readily otherwise.) It's not like it's only been my plan because it's what's expected - it's always been my plan because my heart longed for it.
Today it occured to me, while thinking of all of this, that half of my problem is how selfishly I'm looking at it. How much time I'm wasting being sad when I should just be enjoying my son and my husband and for heaven sakes - my good health right now.
Because in Fall of 2003 I couldn't straighten either arm. And they told me I had arthritis - and under St. George sun Mom and I both cried a few tears as we walked across the parking lot to go out to lunch. Because Mom said "after news like that, you should at least get lunch."
Because on Easter Sunday of this year I stared at the bowl of potatoes and knew I was too weak to lift them up and pass them. Nick did it for me. He had fear behind his eyes as he looked at me, and for some reason seeing that made me more frightened of being ill then I had ever been.
Because for months I couldn't get down on the floor to play with Frankie. He had to be reminded to hug me gently. And I couldn't pick him up when he fell down.
Today the arms are as straight as then can go. I can carry Frankie up the stairs. And I could throw that bowl of mashed potatoes. I should be doing more good in the world with all this strength, and I promise that I will. I hope you don't mind if I pine every now and then. I have this roaring baby hungry beast inside of me, but I'm trying to tame it. Right now my catch phrase "Until Tomorrow" is very appropriate. Because right now I'm not making any big plans. Just taking it a day at a time. A round of lab work at time. Swallowing one pill and vitamin at time.
No big plans for myself, anyway -
Jeremy however, has been accepted into the Paramedic Program. I really should mention that. I'm so proud of him. He's going to be brilliant. And I'm going to stay as healthy as I can for this next year so that I can support him through the 3 semesters which are supposed to be quite rigorous.
Hey wait, that sounds like a plan.
Until tomorrow, then. (Or, you know, soon.)
