All that I live For

This is an average night at our house. Frankie and Jeremy are playing what Frankie calls "the owie game." It's basically dodgeball in our living room. (And you say "ow!" when you get hit by the ball, you get the idea.) Frankie giggles constantly as they play. Frankie begs Jeremy to play owie game as soon as he walks through the door. Basically Frankie adores Jerm, so wholeheartedly that I try not to be jealous. But I adore Jerm too, so I kind of get it.

I am in serious catch up mode - today I finally went through and did some journaling on the family calender, for the first time this year. It's not much but it's my excuse for a record of what we do to accompany the blog. (I write things like "went to the park" or "Frankie said this".) I was referencing my planner. There are six BLANK weeks in the weekly section of my planner.  No notes about work, no to-do lists, nothing. It turned my stomach to see it. Please oh please, never again.

And although I'm sleeping and usually not shaking - I still feel a bit caffeinated. It manifests itself in over-ambitiousness. I've been working on getting my art website going again, and getting some stuff up for sell on Etsy. It's been much more time consuming then I would have expected. (More on that soon. Like next week. With links!) But I did this in the midst or a few busy work weeks, trying to finish that portrait, and then just getting back to normal life. Like the little things that usually stay organized in my house that were in total disarray.

But we're getting there. Holy cow we're getting there. And in the mean time, I really do want to get caught up on the blog as well, because things are good. And I don't want to forget this time with my little family.

And so: a few more things about Frankie, and a few more pics.

-Frankie has some great signature phrases. Such as "what the heck in the world" or "I'm too old for that." He also has quite the vocabulary - one day he told me the shape of his sandwich was peculiar. I laughed out loud.

-He really digs the fact that a newspaper is on our porch every morning, and four on Sunday! Every morning he opens the blinds to the sliding glass door, and heads out to get the paper for us. Often he hangs out on the patio for a while in his jammies, and plays in his sandbox.

-I bought otter pops and we shared them with the neighborhood kids. Frankie scolded Jeremy for eating one, declaring "those are for my friends!"

-Frankie loves having people over at our house. He considers the adults just as much his friends as the kids. When he goes to bed while company is over, he is sad they are gone when he wakes up in the morning.

-Frankie will finally let me run him through the shower sometimes instead of taking a bath! This is a new development as of last week. The kid HATES getting water in his eyes, and always has.

                             

-One of the days that I was working on my painting, I set Frankie up in my studio with his own easel of sorts and some acrylic paint. It made for some cute pictures, but he only stayed interested in creating for about 10 minutes. Set up and clean up of his station and him: about an hour. I think I'll stick to his watercolors on a flat surface next time. I've spoiled him with painting I think, because when he colors with crayons he complains that it takes too long and makes him tired.

-Which brings us to whining. My goodness we're in a whiny stage right now. It makes me crazy. Any tips?

-Is it Halloween time yet? Frankie sure wants it to be. After being nagged to get the Halloween decorations out of the attic every day for a few weeks, I finally gave in and we made some out of construction paper so our house could be properly spooky for a while. Cutesy spooky though, I don't think he'd like it near as much if he knew it could actually be scary.

-Frankie has been saving his money for months now to buy "Manny's tools." (Money from gifts, the Easter Bunny, and from when he earns a quarter helping me here or there.) We probably should have gotten him Manny's tools for Christmas, but I was hoping it would pass because I really don't love Handy Manny. Last week when we were on a frantic search for a shirt for Frankie to wear for family pictures, he spotted a wooden tool box set at OshKosh, and was heartbroken that I wouldn't let him have it. As it happens, this tool set was much cheaper then Manny's tools, and he already had enough money. So we talked about it and he decided he wanted to buy that one instead. Everyone wins! We went back and bought it today, the lady even let us count out all the change. He was so excited.

              

-Frankie is showing much more interest in letters and reading. He pretends to sound out words - I say pretends because it's when he already knows what the word is but it's cool nonetheless. This day he wanted to put his animals in alphabetical order. I only had to help him a bit.

-Frankie has an opinion about the music in the car. He really likes it to have some rhythm.

-A few Sundays ago I looked up at Frankie's primary class to see him standing and hugging the cute little girl he was sitting next to. Then he sat down and put his arm around her, was smiling at her, etc. I literally blushed and asked someone next to me if I should go stop him. Later on he had his arm around her and she was holding his hand. Jeremy came in to say hello in between his classes, and I pointed out Frankie. With one hand still on the little girl, Frankie turned to Jeremy and gave him a big thumbs up and a smile. I still can't help but laugh when I picture it.

                           

-Frankie is pretty sure everything is better with sprinkles. He calls them sprinklers. These are the Mother's Day Rice Krispie Treat Gardens we made for his Grandmas.

-He loves playing at the McDonald's play place with his cousins. We don't go that often and I sometimes use the excuse "we need to wait until your cousins can go with you." I have been informed that once he is four he will be old enough to go by himself. He calls it Old McDonald's and every time we drive by he wants to know if it's open.

-He notices beautiful things. From flowers to sunsets to just saying "it's a nice day, Mom!" It makes my heart happy. Frankie is my buddy - I love my kid.

Closer I am to fine

Life is starting to feel normal. Normal with Lupus. There's interesting changes - such as swallowing an awful lot of pills and supplements every day. One medication that I take 3 times a day has to be on an empty stomach. I have to wait an hour after I wake up before I can eat breakfast, then there's these 3 hour blocks after lunch and dinner that I can't eat. I'm also supposed to be really careful about salt, fat, and sugar intake to be nice to my kidneys. Both things are severely interfering with my attempts to gain the weight back that I lost. I'm constantly on watch for foods I eat that make me not feel well, things I smell that bring headaches, and anything out of the ordinary that has to do with my insides.
I basically have to take it a day at a time. And remind myself it's getting better. And have faith that it will never get bad again.

Frankie and I are back to our normal routines. Peanut butter sandwiches for lunch, board games, getting out and cleaning up the toys, playing outside, and laying by him for his nap. The other day I even took him with me to run errands. The last few mornings I've been tired and had to nap on the couch a bit. I realized that it's such a tender mercy that Frankie entertains himself so well and generally doesn't make too much mischief.

Jeremy has been helping him learn to ride the toddler bike that Christina and Ryan loaned us. He's getting better, but when he's by himself he still prefers his trike. He's crashed once and I think it freaked him out. Frankie inherited my overly-cautious genes, I'm afraid. For now it's a good thing - because when Jeremy was his age he'd already had stitches a few times and burns on both hands.

Frankie's hair got longer then it had ever been. To my surprise, you could even see a bit of curl. But his hair doesn't grow out gracefully, so as soon as I was up to it we had a haircut night. To get through it this time, we let Frankie man the spray bottle and spray Jeremy, who would hide, run out, and squeal dramatically. Whatever works, right?

And suddenly he's six months older. Sigh.

I finally got my patio cleaned up and my flowers planted. It's now what I've wanted it to be for the 2 years we've lived here. We also bought a bin and some sand and made Frankie an awesome white trash sandbox. It's quite nice that he can't sit in it, and that it closes up.

My flowers make me happy. They're already blooming more then when I took this picture. I kind of overdid it the day we did the planting, but it's been worth it. I love opening the blinds of the sliding glass door and looking out to this. We've got some strawberries, tomatoes and herbs going too. Next year I want to figure out a way to grow some peas.

We said goodbye to Frankie's infamous house. My living room doubled in size. I love his sticker handiwork.

Last weekend Jeremy and I went and stayed a few nights in Vegas for our anniversary. We felt a bit guilty about spending the money, since finances are being reconfigured right now to accommodate medical costs, but we had planned on going since last year, so we just did. It's always so wonderful to be with my husband, and just do whatever we want. We did some general exploring, shopping, and went to the Cirque De Soleil show Ka. It was amazing. Standing in line to get into the theatre: not so amazing. Good thing I had Jeremy to lean on. All the walking got me genuinely tired and I slept pretty well the second night. It's time to get back to exercising.

We found this awesome little hotel right by the MGM grand that was much cheaper then staying in the casinos. So we didn't have to walk through a casino to get through our room! And it was like a little time share with an almost full kitchen and a separate bedroom. This was nice so that I could do my early waking and Jeremy could still sleep in. On Saturday morning Bill and Ted's Excellent adventure came on at like 7:00 am. I watched it and laughed, it was good times.

Here is me with my lemon cake from Macaroni Grill. I seriously crave this stuff. It was fun to get desserts to go and eat them back at our room.

Tuning In

Prayers don't always get answered right away.

In fact, they usually don't.

I've learned a lot of patience, and put a lot of trust in God's will, about this subject.

Last night I felt well enough that I wanted to be the one to read Frankie his stories and tuck him in. I was excited about it. But Frankie not so much. He became literally angry when the idea was suggested. He only wanted Jeremy. He was still angry with me after we said family prayer and didn't even want to give me a hug goodnight.

I told Jeremy not to make a big deal out of it.

Frankie probably IS angry with me. For months our time together has been riddled with phrases like "Mommy can't do that right now." And the last few weeks I've been basically nonexistent. Mostly he has dealt with it really well, but it's got to be frustrating for him to have his life so upturned.

So as Jeremy put him to bed I sat on the couch and prayed that I would be able to start having Mothering experiences again.

This morning I was wide awake at 5:00 am. I still haven't really recovered from the hospital, when that was around the time of the bright and early blood draw. I tried to sleep, but when the garbage truck woke up Frankie at 6:30 I told Jeremy I felt well enough get up with him.

I helped him go potty. I went down the stairs by myself. I got him his drink of milk and bowl of cereal. Then we snuggled on the couch and watched his shows. Later, I picked out his clothes for the day.

A miracle. An instant answer.

This morning, I got to be a Mother.

Break on through to the other side

This afternoon I have felt well.

This afternoon I can look at the picture below and literally laugh out loud. I look like a grumpy old lady. I was just trying not to think about the fact that I was getting someone else's blood because it grossed me out. Still does actually - it's in there! But it helped me.

Lots of things helped me. People helped me the most. To know I was and am so loved made it all easier to bear. Thank of you for flowers, cards, messages, visits, and most of all prayers.

The Lord has helped me. I've given this all to him. What will be, will be. He is with me when it's at it's best, and when it's at it's worst.

As a side note, if you're sick for like 3 months, get help. Don't just sit on your couch and hope that you'll get better. Because that's what lands you in the E.R. I'll be kicking myself for it for a long time.

This kid is beautiful. He's a miracle, really. Because more biological children for us is kind of a question now. He's handled everything really well. We're so grateful to live close to family so that he could stay with his grandparents while we were at the hospital. He got to come visit us at the hospital and it would make me so happy. All the nurses loved him. I'm so excited to be able to take care of him again. The little things like making his lunch and giving him his bath.
Bad photo of some of my beautiful flowers. Frankie made me the card.


The carnage on my poor arms after we got home.

Let me tell you about Jeremy. About Jeremy rubbing my back and handing me my water when I was in excruciating pain. Sleeping on the hard couch next to me the whole week. Helping me shower and do my hair and get dressed. Monitoring my meds. Telling me I still look beautiful even though my stomach is swollen and my face is disfigured. Telling me it's going to be okay and that he has faith in my strength. I love my husband. His touch soothes me and his presence is sometimes all I need. He is a prince among men. I am so glad to have him.

This was the first time at the hospital that I wasn't connected to the IV, and all I wanted was to sit by Jeremy.

Since he's here - I'll make it. And it's as simple as that.

The good fight

A few weeks ago, my Dad made Frankie a "house" out a of a huge cardboard box. We managed to pack it up and bring it home, where I helped Frankie cover it with white paper and then he's been coating it with stickers. Literally, coating.

The morning I helped him cover the box in paper was a good morning.

You see, that's how I've been tracking things lately.

Because for the last few months I've been fighting the good fight.

In February I went to the doctor, where they temporarily increased my medications, and for about a week and a half I felt so well. When the stiffness and achiness started creeping back in I realized I was going to have to look at it different.

Instead of waiting around to feel better, I was going to have to try and live life anyway.

And so on a day like today, when I felt all right, (and the sunshine beckoned) I took Frankie to the park. Where he fell down, and I felt my face get hot and my eyes wet as I had to tell him to stand up and hold onto me, because I can't pick him up right now.

But he was okay. And so was I.

Plus we got ice cream afterwards.

When we get home, I'm exhausted. So I try to listen to my body, and I sleep while Frankie sleeps. And I think to myself "rebuild, rest, so we can take on tomorrow."

Because it shall surely come. And I want to look at it with a smile.

Postscript (2 parts):
-I've also been fighting various sorts of colds/flus/sinus infections. I think that's been a lot of the problem, and I have hope that when they clear up my immune system will stop going crazy and I'll feel better.
-I promise a decent post with pictures, soon, and to stop the whining.

But I know one thing, I love you

 

5 Frankie-isms in 5 minutes:

• The car drove over a manhole cover, and made a squeaky sound. Frankie asked "why my car squeak-es?" (say like bogus)
• We had some friends over playing the card game Monopoly Deal. Frankie was supposed to be upstairs sleeping, but we could hear him yelling at us. Jeremy went up to see what was going on, and found he had been shouting "Don't let Will take my money!" My Mom had given him 4 quarters the day before, and since we were talking about money while playing the game (and since Will's voice carries the best) he was sure we were after his fortune.
• Frankie and Hunter found a little soup cracker under the couch at my Mom's. I told him to take it to the garbage. On the way he asked Mayzie "is that a cracker?" Mayzie confirmed, and he asked "Do you want to eat it?"
• I bought some Valentines Day sprinkles. Frankie asked me what they were for. I said "in a few weeks we'll make some treats and cards and take them to people." He replied "but I want some for me, too!"
• Frankie has been telling us a lot of "stories." They always begin "Once upon a days..."
  

I am Superman pt. 2

Mostly for posterity, I thought of a story that needs to go with the last post.

A few years ago Jeremy was playing on a city league softball team. City league softball is some intense business, let me tell you. (Almost ridiculously so.)

A hard hit came his direction in the outfield. He called it, but a fellow outfielder (who we'll call Chris) didn't hear him. We all watched as they both ran for it, looking up at the ball and not each other; Jeremy going air born right at the end. Then they collided hard and went down, where they both stayed for a few minutes rolling around on the grass in pain.

When they finally got up Jerm was limping, and Chris had blood running down his face. After a quick patch up job by Jeremy's Mom who's a nurse, Chris had to go the E.R. and get stitches. And what cracked his face open, you may ask?

Jeremy's shin.

Because with a running start, he can REALLY fly.

(And yes, they were both okay after a bit of healing.)